When we think about common human experiences that aren’t talked about, it’s usually tied to a very personal journey. It might be due to shame, pain or being in a vulnerable position, like being scared of the dark, navigating grief, or saying "I love you" first. Masturbation is one of the most frequently practiced and pleasurable human experiences that we don’t talk about or share with others. Some of us are letting others into that personal time by taking nudes a step further and sending videos of us masturbating.
Sex education across the United States is dismal at best, and not everyone gets "the talk" from a parent or guardian. A lot of us have had to figure out sex as we go, and even if we didn’t, it’s a very biological lesson on procreation. Pleasure simply isn’t the focus, and masturbation is barely acknowledged without a hard side eye.
However, a quick Google search will lend for well-documented benefits of rubbing one out. From stress relief to a boost of endorphins, it’s scientifically proven that it’s better to do it than to abstain, and for the most part, everyone is doing it.
So, why not share the love? A quick video clip of your self-pleasure session could be of interest to your partner.
"I don't want to speak in absolutes, but people probably enjoy this more than they would let on or reveal publicly," Jayden*, a music journalist said. "I think in the same way that people like to see things that – in theory – they aren't supposed to see, they also like to see things that are only intended for them." And, he is one of those people.
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Why send a masturbation vid?
Sending someone a video of you masturbating is far more intimate than a static full frontal nude. Sure, a dick pic can let a partner know you’re aroused, but self-pleasuring is often something that is done alone. Letting someone else into that experience, particularly digitally and from a distance, often requires a different type of connection, and it isn’t reserved for those strictly in a committed relationship.
It’s a very sexual way to say, "I’m thinking of you."
"[It feels like] I'm watching something I'm not supposed to be watching. But because I'm allowed to see it, it feels like an extra special space," says Moná Thomas, who's part of the kink and BDSM community. Once it’s established that this exchange is welcome with someone, Moná likes being surprised by them. "If I'm receiving [a video] and I didn't ask her anything and it's just sent? I think it creates this cool intimate space. I love watching people enjoy themselves and fall into pleasure." It’s a very sexual way to say, "I’m thinking of you."
You don't have to be in a relationship with someone to send them a masturbation video. "Everybody doesn’t get the same privileges," Jayden said. And, it feels good to know you’re trusted with this typically private practice.
Consent and communication for masturbation videos
Reading the room is crucial. If it’s not in the context of sexting and talking about sharing and showing each other pleasure, definitely don’t take a risk and send a video masturbating. Approach sending the video with as much care as you would having sex with the person. You shouldn’t be jumping straight to penetration with no foreplay or conversation, just like blindly sending a video of you climaxing is not OK.
Reading the room is crucial.
While we know communication is key and consent is non-negotiable, it can be less obvious than that. Effort should be put into letting your partner (or person you’re looking to receive a video from) how much you desire them and how important their pleasure is rather than pushing someone to be sent this personal moment. Jayden said people will be more inclined to want to share videos with you if you’ve prioritized this within the connection. They need to know you find them sexy.
Oftentimes, these videos are exchanged during sexting, so a suggestion like "show me how that makes you feel" or simply "I want to see" can open the door. "Depending on the person, sometimes I’ll take a more dominant approach," Rebecca* a New York-based video producer said. "I’ve been like, ‘I’m going to try to make your dick hard over the phone,’ and they’re like, ‘What?!’ And then I tell them I’m going to make it happen, and I want to see it." She said they’re always game.
Prepping your sexting shoot
The setting is important for a variety of reasons. Location and the timing are two ways people’s turn ons come into play, and it can also be the source of the ick. Distracting or messy backgrounds when you’re shooting a video in bed or toilets in the background are a few things you’ll want to stay away from. Some people are more concerned with production value whereas spontaneity is hot for others.
Rebecca recalls one particularly exciting video she’s received – a man recorded himself cumming in his office. "I have a video of a guy who busted a nut on his filing cabinet, and it was like the greatest thing I've ever seen," she says. "Oh my god. It was so good. That environment made it much more exciting than his bedroom." For her, an inappropriate setting is it.
Ultimately, some things to be conscious of when warming up to creating your masturbation content is your comfort. What makes you feel safe, sexy, and aroused?
Darian, a Boston, MA based math teacher, says "men only have so many cards to play," so he deliberately cuts his clips to keep things interesting. "There's something about staying focused on yourself [while filming]. The climax is part of the story, so you still have to achieve that."
For this reason, short videos are great. It’s more of a highlight reel. "Unless you have a setup, a longer video is a lot more difficult to focus on finishing while also maintaining good cinematography," he says.
Lighting is a major hack to feeling and looking appealing. Overhead and fluorescent lights can seem a little cold and sterile. "I have colored lights on pretty much all the time," Moná says. "It can be a little more dim. It depends on how I’m feeling. Do I want it to be red? Or do I want magenta highlighting my vagina while I'm masturbating?" Rebecca also favors her pink LED lights.
Lamp light is generally softer, but Sofia* prefers sunlight particularly when she’s back in her humid hometown of Orlando, FL. "For me, it's more empowering when it's in the daytime." A frequent traveler, she also said The Line hotel in the Koreatown neighborhood of Los Angeles has amazing light in their rooms. She asks, "You know how some of the windows face the street?" Keeping the blinds up offers a little extra thrill for a receiver of hers.
At the end of the day, it’s all about the body and some personal prep is necessary. "I don't want to see dryness for men or women," Moná says. "You're masturbating. It should be wet. There should be moisture. Use lube, you know? Get messy. Have fun!"
She mentions one hot video a man sent. "The sun was hitting him perfectly from behind, and he was stroking himself with coconut oil or some sort of body oil. His whole body was perfectly moisturized." For women sending videos that may not be able to show that they’re wet, Rebecca recommends using spit to fake it.
Personal preferences put thoughts on body hair on a wide spectrum.Viewers want to be able to see the action so some level of grooming might be required if you want your viewer(s) to get a super clear shot. Ultimately, it's your body hair so it's entirely your call.
How to film a masturbation video
Anatomically, penises and vaginas have very different exterior looks thus the angle options are varied, but the energy of the video can be similar. For some, leaving a bit to the imagination can be very enticing. "It’s kind of neck-down framing," Jayden said. "One of the most creative things that I've seen was just the silhouette and audio."
"One of the most creative things that I've seen was just the silhouette and audio."
While a video offers more to see, hearing is the only other sense you can stimulate digitally. "The advantage to sending a video as opposed to just a still image, the audio element," Jayden said. "If the goal is this exchange of pleasure, you want to show somebody how what you're talking about doing to each other is pleasurable." And, it doesn’t even need to be exaggerated or moaning (although moaning is encouraged), especially as not all settings allow for it. The breathing or sound of wetness can be more than enough.
When it comes to angles the obvious POV angle or from underneath, straight on between the legs works for everyone. However, Veronica*, a 27-year old communications professional, recalled one that’s received rave reviews. She says, "Basically, you’re getting on your knees and leaning down onto your forearms and then taking a selfie trying to get that arch." Switching positions from that side view she sets up while recording to sitting on a toy can also make for a variety of views in one video.
This can be accomplished with hands-free options like ring lights that come with a clicker or even mini tripods made for phones. She also recommends setting up the phone with the front-facing camera so you can see what you’re shooting. "The quality is just as good!" If you turn the brightness up, the front screen can offer just enough light in a dark room.
Beyond toys, other props can make for a video worth revisiting over and over again. "I’ve also seen a sheer robe but it was all wet," Jayden said. "You see everything without necessarily seeing it." And, it’s nice to leave a little bit to the imagination in anticipation for the real thing.
Exchanging videos of masturbating is just another way to connect and know someone at a different level. Although it’s not for everyone, there’s plenty to learn about a partner through watching how they touch themselves for pleasure. Take notes, and apply what you’ve learned later.
"I just feel like it should be part of the courtship – or trying to get laid – process," Rebecca said. Everyone is doing it, and no one is talking about it. So, fill up the spank bank, overload your password protected hidden content folder, and leave that special someone something to think about days, weeks, or months later.
